Garden of Weeds.

Garden of Weeds

There was a time once,

I looked at you and I felt lucky

There was a time once,

When I found you hard to believe

Not because you were what I believed

To be grace on earth

Or the reason the world

My world

Was wonderful and precious, but because you were

Mine

Yours

Yours,

And we had our whole entire lives.

I found you rare and indescribable,

I felt that I had to ration you in my life,

Because it was only time

You realized the person I wanted to be for you was

A personification of my insecurities and

Everything I lacked

I found it hard to let you in.

You’d hold me and my arms

Could not return the embrace-

Not because I did not feel,

But because I did not want to feel,

Fearing I’d feel too much-

You’d burn me in such a satisfying way

Like how one feels satisfied watching paper burn,

but you’d never have that same paper ever again

I took what I could get,

But this need for you-

I couldn’t have enough- and I couldn’t say I needed more

So I pretended, tried to be as selfless as I could

And stayed where you put me

I was scared, maybe, I thought you’d reached back

A little more- pushed and nudged me.

Maybe then I would have had…

I took a step back, gave you air

To breathe free of me

Because I felt that, that was what I could give you,

What you wanted

I wish I was a different person then maybe

I could have lived, truly lived freely.

I could have lived on the carbon dioxide

You perspired

Some call that poison

Some call it love

I know now

Now I know

There is not much difference in the two

Some where along the way

I felt you had given upon me,

You never pushed, you never pulled

I had wanted so hard to believe in you

By believing in me, but

I didn’t, I couldn’t I…

I wanted to be the hero,

in the stories you didn’t believe in,

maybe, no- because if I had made those heroes

come to life, in me, then maybe you would have

believed in me, in love,

in us

I wanted to believe in us so badly,

So hard, but it hurt to try

I’m sorry, I’m sorry I never said

Because… I think-

My pride

Started to taunt me- it told me that,

Of course, of course, of course

I felt alone, almost betrayed

Did you give up on me?

Why can’t I say, tell, ask you-

Show you what I feel?

Why?

I wondered couldn’t I be better for you?

But there constant questioning of what kind of person

I was and what I was capable of

Made me look into the parts of myself

That I dismissed and ignore

So I too ignored this. Us. Us?

I lied to myself as I always have done,

Everything is okay,

Everything is fine, everything is

Crumbling now!

Can’t you see what is happening?

Do you not see this gaping chasm

Drifting now, we are, like a directionless ship

On the edge of a stormy sea

Its not too late

Turn us around and sail us far, far,

Away

From my problems, I’ve always ran away

Why did I think I could change for you?

I see you, and even through your eyes

Are filled with everything I’ve ever wanted

When you look at me, it seems like the only

I seem to see is your unyielding arms

So I locked you away

And buried you

Like stolen treasure, precious treasure

From aspiring hero, I turn now into a pirate and

Like everything else, like everything else that

I love

You! I’m calling for you

Can’t you hear me?

Its as if you can’t even

See

How I try? Giving you

What you needed,

Space

In my heart, in the shape of you,

Now an open wound- it festers and i

Still cannot

Say

Or ask the things on my mind

And its

Weight is like a

Burden and I feel

With each and every day

We grow further and further apart

I felt left behind

So I casted my eyes my eyes aside,

Feigned indifference

It was easier

Your gaze now drifts

Where are you now? What are thinking?

I still cannot ask

Discontent to disconnect

I’d only look when I knew you’d not be

Because I felt shame

And shame was easier than meeting your eyes

Shame is easier than the truth of now

And still I felt compelled to hide it

You mustn’t see

So rarely these days

Can I look straight into your eyes

Without my breathe being stolen

From me, but not like before-

The sensation brings near tears to my eyes

But not like before

So rarely these days will your eyes

meet mine

What are you

Hiding?

Away, its becoming too much

This continual paradox you project

You love me, yet so selfishly leave me behind

And the moment I am less than what I could be

A tempest rages in your eyes of a storm I cannot

Chart

I tire of hiding from myself

Must I also be crushed with your expectations as well?

I feel like a blind man with a mountain to climb

Am I the only one trying?

The only one holding on?

You’ve grown bitter, and cold

but I still stay without saying

because I am a

Coward

You are! Love me, do you?

Yet you make no efforts to reach for me

Reassure me

I trusted you to carry me

My last hope that lived in your eyes

Now too, dies

It hurts and I yell and scream

We rarely talk these days

Its not as if we talked about it before anyways

So is this it?

Is this the real you?

Can’t show you

Can’t show you

Can’t show

Ah I see now

Now I know

Resentment grows

Like weeds in a garden,

Chocking life

Resilient

They do not go away easily

Maybe it’d be easier

If we’d a garden of weeds

Would it be easier if I left?

I look up one day

To find your back towards me

When did that happen?

In shock I took a step back

Then another

And once the self denial faded

In anger too, I turned my back

Im lost, I looked and I realized

Like a broken compass, like a ship lost at sea

Looked around and found nothing but

The painful image of you walking away

I am walking away now, will you stop me?

I wish I could send you away

Set you free

But selfishly, pitifully I linger in your fleeting presence

Like an over welcomed house guest in my own heart

Last call

Last chance I’m

One step away

Call for me- I will come

Watching you leave then taking pause

It’s the seconds before the sun sets on the horizon

And just for a brilliant second the sun shines

So bright then

The inevitable darkness

Greeted with nothing

Or shall I take comfort in the fact that

Silence is something

It wasn’t supposed to be this way

At least, it didn’t start out this way

Where did it go wrong?

How did it wither away

There was I time

I thought of you and I felt lucky

There was a time

I thought of you unbelievable

There was a time

I looked and us

And I was so sure

Parallel Heart

 POEM AUDI CAN BE FOUND HERE IN THIS LINK: Parallel Heart

 

Parallel Heart

My heart broke tonight, but that heart was not my own
But it was my own in every sense of the word
For when it ached, I faltered And when it fluttered, I sighed

It does not pump the blood that flows though my veins;
But it was my own heart, and it broke and it cried
It cried in pain and in believing it to be sullied and filled,
Lost without innocence and churned into nothing worthy
Nothing, but course sill

It believed it so, so I loved it twice more
For my own love and then once more

I loved, I cried, embrace, always will

My heart broke tonight, but that heart was not my own.

-March 20, 2012. (revised Dec. 28, 2013)

five FUN facts that you might not have known about me (for Leslie)

my new friend, Leslie recently read my other five facts you might not have known about me, thinking it was going to be “fun and cute” facts… what she got was a soul baring confession : / she wasn’t prepared, though the fact i am Korean should have been plenty of a red flag warning. So I scavenged my brain and so i got these facts. so without further ado:

Five FUN facts you might not have known about me

(for Leslie)

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Five Facts You Might NOT Have Known About Me

I guess there are things people don’t really know about you for a reason. I’m talking about the obscure facts that are not really shared not because it is hard to fit into a conversation but deep in side its hits a nerve and strikes a chord of the heart strings. Also, I think that sharing these things time to time is good. Good for the heart and good for the soul.

Its…er…healthy I guess.

I also think its brave and I’ve been inspired by one, Lauren Candia after reading her five facts to share five of my facts that most people don’t really know about me.

But the thing about me is that I over think and I needed time to sit down and really write it out and explain, because I’ve been told sometimes people can’t really understand the jumps I make in my head. So here it is:

Five Facts Most People Don’t Know About Me.

 Image

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speed bump, but then again

having no internet at home is a bit uncomfortable, but i think if i had internet at home i wouldn’t really post without thinking, i’d just vomit up emotions. so this is better.

lots of things have happened since i posted, both good and bad.

i just wanted to post here without really saying so much about what happened but just to post as a declaration of existence… kind of.

kind of me just saying, IM HERE! IM STILL HERE! IM STILL WORKING ON IT! and going back to focusing on working on it, rather than just ranting on and focusing on that.

 

moving forward is the key i find.

week twoooo

week twoooooo

was insane. NaNoWriMo started yesterday and already i am so behind. not a great start.

things are going to get busier for me, as i start book club again next week- i am hoping that i can make a pretty steady, structured meet this time and take a proposal to the city center and see if i can open up a book club funded by the city because from what i have heard, the library does not do anything like that.

REHEARSALS WENT WELL! it was the second week of the rehearsal week and we had a run through and everyone told me that i was brilliant, even though i didn’t believe everyone’s comment, it was really amazing to get such a positive feed back from all the senior actors and directors.  one of the best comments i received was, “you weren’t even on stage, it was just your voice but i was laughing so hard cause you delivered them so well”- made my week.

made some friends in writing club- i’m still planning that poetry reading/ fund raiser night. its more difficult than i thought it’d be, but no matter i am still working on it!!

i am excited for the coming week- i am off book and i am ready to go with the more physical aspects of the acting.

 

money has been tight… nothing new there- and my dad hasn’t been well physically or mentally. My grandmother has been getting steadily worse, so we’ll see what we’re going to do.

 

i’ve learned to take the good with the bad together, not to simply focus on one thing but all of them together as a whole. its easier to swallow the bad bits that way and better to ground you down to humility and reality.

 

alrighting go go lets go!